chot_channah

chot_channah @ 2008-11-14T13:12:00

2008-11-14T18:25:03Z

Okay, so there's this site where you can do mad lib poetry, so last night Michelle and I filled in lots of poetic-sounding words and created several poems which had many very poetic-sounding lines and took a bunch of the parts that sounded good and used all this free-verse style shit and merged everything together into an ACTUAL POEM. It's actually, like, hilarious. Liek it's actually a poem. From fucking mad libs. Hahaha it was the most hilarious and wonderful thing ever, Michelle is the fucking best. We had also just watched Clueless and several episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch..... so much good times.

Anyway. I was so amused at how much it actually turned out like a poem that I had to post it.

Losing Happily, Beautifully

I savour my strengths
   but, I mourn my helplessness;
                                  my ignorance possesses dirt (I torture myself. I work you up inside )
you transcended me from youth
rendered ripples in my virginity
(I fucked you)

          Though I have created myself as youth
my desire's obsessions dominated: I exiled my uncertainty
And made you cut me
                      I made you scream.
                       (And lick me wet)
I should have fashioned honesty instead, because passion pushes trust back.
       It breaks.
Ecstasy breathes pain and deceit, and we were helpless.
                                                                                                          (losing
                                                                                                           happily,
                                                                                                           beautifully)

Yet, in your most ticklish imperfections are things which change
me
or which I cannot but absorb because something about you radiates and forces

And.

I do not find what it is about you that radiates
                         and forces; only something in me shines...

chot_channah @ 2008-11-05T15:01:00

2008-11-05T20:20:41Z

So I know I never wite in here, but this is actually an incredible moment in history.

YES WE CAN.

Sitting in the RVC TV room last night listening to that speech was the most inspired I've been in years.

It was really cool experiencing it HERE, too, because like 60% of the people in the TV room anxiously watching the results coming in weren't even American. It's incredible how much my Canadian friends care, and just makes it all the more monumental.

Rejecting the myth of my generation's apathy...GOOD FUCKING TIMES. So glad I bullied my mom into stopping by town hall on the way to McGill.

Don't you wanna curve away?

2008-09-09T00:52:44Z

Okay. This past week has been the hardest of my life, but last night after sobbing to like every member of my family for a solid two hours, I decided that I can and will get through this. My life is not going to end. I feel like shit now but everyone goes through this, right? Everyone gets their heart broken and everyone's not, like, dead. I think it was a really important step to tell him I couldn't talk to or see him anymore. Even though it really sucked cause it was SO hard to do and he so clearly didn't give a shit and was just like relieved to not have to deal with me when he's like trying to build a relationship with someone else...skfjsdkfshfgsdhjfgjd.... okay but that is not the point of this entry. This is an optimistic entry. SO basically I've just been sitting around moping and sobbing and facebook stalking and calling everyone and wanting to kill myself and not cleaning my room and not dealing with any of my homework or organizing anything like in my planner or anything and not eating and not sleeping, but last night I decided I need to start to get over it. It's going to continue to suck for awhile and I'm going to keep crying all the time for awhile but I just CANNOT let myself get in that state of mind where I think that my life is over and this means that college and my life will suck and I'll never love anyone ever again and all I can think about is that he doesn't love me anymore. My sister and mom last night were basically saying that I feel like shit right now and there's no way to avoid that because I can't control my feelings and I obviously can't control his so all I can control is my actions... I can act in a way that will set me up for happiness later and that, when I look back, I won't feel like I was a complete and total idiot. So basically, I'm going to keep myself busy, I'm going to socialize with the girls on my floor and anyone else whenever I can and give everyone a chance. I can't just hole myself up in my room and cry and like bring him up every second and be a total Debby Downer. I just need to distract myself, and every time I feel that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach tell myself that it will get better and I will get through this and it WILL be okay because I am smart and beautiful and interesting and I CAN be independent and how he feels about me has absolutely no effect on who I am as a person. Obviously it affects my feelings, but I am still me and if I take a step back from just focusing all of my thoughts and energy on how he perceives me, I actually like who I am. I just have to keep reminding myself that. And I know this is the most cliche like obnoxious thing in the world, like all feminist "I don't need a man to complete me!!" but I just don't need THAT man. If he wants to do his own thing, then that's fine, his loss. I need to stop comparing everything in my college experience to HIS college experience, because its MY experience. I'm not him, he has an addictive personality and attracts a lot of friends really fast, I'm not like that. It takes me time to build up friendships but when I do they are fucking awesome friendships with amazing people that I will always care about and I know will always care about me, and I'm doing that and I can't expect everything to fall into place right now. It's going to take time, but when it does fall into place, it's not just gonna be the fun initial shock of freedom and college life, it's going to be fucking AWESOME, and a lasting kind of awesome. So pretty much yesterday I like took a deep breath, cleaned my room, wrote everything down in my planner, decided to focus on my schoolwork and EAT. And today I was able to kind of just relax and I actually had a lot of fun just laughing and hanging out with the girls from my hall and I ate at least a decent amount and I decided to take the stairs up to my twelfth floor dorm room from now on for exercise. And I think I'm going to be able to get my shit together. Yes I'm still sad and yes I still miss him so much it hurts and yes I still feel like breaking down every time something reminds me of him (which is actually like every signle thing in the universe) or whenever there's a pause in what's happening and of course that's what I think about but.... I don't know. Like that's the kind of stuff that really WILL get better with time, you know? I'm not going to be heartbroken forever. I am not boring. I am not lame. I am whoever I want to be and he has absolutely no effect on that.

FUCK YEAH. Hopefully I can keep this positive energy up, I've only had this like burst of self confidence for like a day and even all day it's been on and off obviously and a lot of the times I'm still miserable, but I think it's an upward trend, you know? And it's a good state of mind to at least be able to access.

And thankyou so so so much to everyone who's been helping me through this, like talking to me every night as I break down and dwell and helping me feel like I'm not completely worthless....so much of what I said here first came out of the mouths of one of you guys and clearly was actually helpful, so thankyou so much for all your support and advice and figurative shoulders to cry on. I love you guys so much and hope you are doing brilliantly at your respective colleges and also hope you know you can always call me for anything anytime cause God knows I owe you. <333333333

Oh also Strawberry Swing is a wonderful song that fills me with much positive energy... you know when you just need a song that like captures your sadness but still somehow feels optimistic? Yeah. It's like that. It's pretty much the best, just like all of you lovelies.

chot_channah @ 2008-04-27T14:22:00

2008-04-27T18:24:03Z

Okay so I know I never write in my lj but I visited McGill and Montreal on Friday and Saturday and I really need help processing because I have to make my college decision like …today. So input would be nice.

So basically, I absolutely loved McGill, and especially the city of Montreal, but I am fucking terrified of going there. It’s a beautiful city and really fun and exciting and I’ve always wanted to go to school in the city. But the thing I didn’t like about a lot of city schools I looked of was like the ugliness factor. Or I guess not necessarily ugly, but just not… college-y, you know? Well McGill definitely had a cohesive campus which was really nice but it’s also like RIGHT in the heart of the city. So you’re literally a block away from hundreds of clubs and shops and bars and restaurants. And the drinking age in Canada is 18, so no restrictions on all that sort of fun.

That whole being in the city with a drinking age of 18 and stuff, however, is also part of why it’s so terrifying. Cause like basically the whole thing is that you’re treated like an adult. There’s a lot of red tape for academic advising and you sort of have to figure it out on your own. And the dorms are fucking SICK, like one of the dorm buildings is a converted 4 star hotel, so you get like your own double bed and plenty of space. But the dorm buildings are also like really varied, and like with most of the other schools I looked at there’s just one place where they put all the freshmen so you don’t really have to make too many decisions about it, but at McGill like the dorms and dining plans and everything are so complicated. And several of the dorms are apartment style with no meal plans, and 80% of the dorm rooms are singles. Which would be good for some people, but I want a roommate. I need at least one opportunity to make a friend one on one. But the dorms are a lottery, so like I could end up in a foreign country in a room by myself in a dorm building that’s like 4 metro stops away and having to cook for myself.

One thing my dad said was that they really don’t “coddle” the freshmen like American schools do. And I never really felt like any of the other schools I looked at were coddling the freshmen, so that sort of gives you a sense…. Like basically, they treat you like an adult. And I don’t know, I mean I’m NOT an adult. But I do need to grow up sometime, it’s just that I’d have to do it so quickly there, while also being in a foreign country.

The other school I would go to would be University of Maryland. Which I loved, but is more just like the typical American college experience. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s just now that I’ve seen McGill, I’d feel like I was settling if I went there sort of. Like I was too afraid to opt for the more exciting, richer experience.

And also, the thing that actually should matter the most in choosing a school, McGill is an amazing school with a great reputation. And I really do want to be academically challenged. Although again it adds to the whole fear thing cause it’s supposed to be a really tough school, which would be rewarding in the end obviously, but I’m just afraid I’ll be like overwhelmed by that on top of everything.

Grah I don’t know, I guess the thing I’m actually most afraid of is that I won’t make friends. I am so awkward, especially in groups, and especially especially in groups of people I don’t know. How am I supposed to magically become an adult when I’m so fucking awkward??? And with Maryland there’s this really fun program I got into that’s a “living learning” program or whatever so you live with this group of people and like go on field trips with them and it would just make it really easy to make friends.

However, there are no school-wide requirements at McGill, only per faculty, and I’m in the Faculty of Arts. So even if I have no friends, I WILL NEVER HAVE TO TAKE MATH OR SCIENCE EVER AGAIN.

And okay yes, Eric will be there, but I’m really trying to not let that affect my decision, because one of my biggest fears is that I’ll just cling to him and not make friends.

W@LTIWTEBQKUWYSBXHJHIXHIOXQHOIQXH

Okay. That was really long. Obviously you don’t have to read all that, but if you did, please give me input? I also just wanted to let my biffers know where I stood school-wise.

All These Things That I've Done...

2008-01-02T00:25:00Z

cause i never actually write in my lj and i want some form of documentation of 2007, here is a (somewhat but probably not really) brief summary of what i remember from each month....

and for everyone whos not gonna bother reading the rest, which is understandable, id just like to note that this year started with a death and ended with a birth, and started with me kissing a total mistake and ended with me kissing someone i love. that kind of makes me sentimental..

january:
-a strange time... a very tragic beginning, with a death that hurt the whole community
-the whole month i get more intense with someone i shouldn't...halfway through i kiss that someone, but by the end of the month ive become smart enough to stop the whole thing
-i get my permit

february:
-mattress hair and makeup... i start reforming my friendship with eric, and can't help starting to have denial-secret-forbidden feelings for him that i pass off as like a normal ex thing
-also with mattress hair and makeup: that dp at kate's house with eric and stephen laconte..RHONDA!!
-speaking of rhonda... drivers ed!! going to friendly's every saturday with izzy and kate and getting plenty of clam chowda
-valentines day snow day
-DOLLEGE.. february vacation, a fucking amazing time, definitely a highlight... so much bff girl bonding time, staying up crazy late with kate taking pictures, working out with molly, sleeping on nikkino and like everyone in the dollege llama, shopping and loving and dollege-ing with the three of them and... kefhkj it was just epic.

march:
facebook flirting with eric
-the infamous semi.... WORST.
-the shins concert!!
-I FINISH THAT FUCKING POETRY PAPER. probably the worst all-nighter ever, but i hate to admit it, i feel like i actually got something out of it... other than being the biggest procrastiantion feat of my life, i ended up enjoying stevie smith, and i was rather pleased with the result. i even saved it, i dont save ANYTHING (school-wise).

april:
-bowling with eric and molly...new socks, trying on all her clothes, good times.
-FUCKING. ITALIA. the absolute positive highlight of the year and like my entire life....im not even going to try.
-drama dram drama about the whole eric thing... there was so much shit to work through, not even just with each other but with evryone, but we did work through it, slowly... not entirely in april obviously but thats when it started and it all slowly got resolved.
-midsummer! kate being amazing as hermia and everyone doing a fantastic job... the epic fairy makeup, the flirtiness, the ridiculous cast parties...

may:
-the first of the month, eric and i finally decide to just go for it... a perfect day.
-the same week, i have to take the stupid history ap... which sucked to study for, but wasnt too bad, and was sooo relieving to be over with
-i think i also took my sat 2's this month... so basically this month was the beginnings of eric round 2 mixed in with lots of standardized testing... the long phone conversations weren't so good for the whole testing things, but life is always mixed good and bad like that.

june:
-for our first monthaversary, eric makes me this adorable diarama thing out of a shoebox, which i eventully end up using to store different bits of memorabilia from our relationship
-sats followed by relay for life (same day)
-my poetry paper is returned and i rejoice
-margaret and i make a huge card and party for MADAMMMEEE whoi leaves us to go save the world
-kate's house the week school ends with nikki izzy and kate.... one of the most magical and sentimental nights of the year. we take our now-traditional walk around kate's neighborhood and SKAT (scat?) and reaffirm that even though we have our bad times and end up more often than any of us would like in petty arguments, i love those girls more than life itself and thats never going to change. also, kate and i have one of our amazing late night talks where we work everything out, and nikki interrupts the most sentimental moment with her tampon issues. BEST.
-barnapalooza
-my comm ed job starts... ohhh comm ed camp, group 3 was difficult, but i miss my kids, and it was so nice to work with eric

july:
-driving with kate.... nora (driving instructor, also kate's old bus driver) asks if i have problems with paying attention and suggests that perhaps driving just isnt my thing
-HARRY POTTER. i spend the weekend reading aloud to esther, and the remainder beign upset that the series is over after all these years.

august:
-maine...boring as always, but it was nice at this point to have a break from comm ed, and i got my psych readings done.. also its always nice to spend time with the feeneys
-drama at comm ed, i am so ready when it ends... a good experience overall, and i do love the kids, but group 3 did get rather exhausting
-izzy stays with me for the weekend... she writes in my planner:
"-Izzy comes over and fucks your brains out all night long
-end relationship with Eric
-commence relationship with Izzy"
-in reality, we college visit all weekend
-rufus concert!!!
-chorus camp...first experience of being SENIORS.
-intense cramming of peter the great for the week before school starts

september:
-i discover the horrors of crick and physics, and the wonders of euro
-also, lynn is ridiculous
-college counseling center visits galore

october:
-COLLEGE APPLICATIONS
-hanging out with eric every tuesday, cause neither of us has started our babysitting jobs yet
-Grease trip with nikkino!! a wondrous nyc trip, reminiscent of our magical rent trip sophomore year
-the fucking catapult
-my brithday...which kind of sucked this year, it was on a shitty tuesday. but i think i hung out with friends that weekend, which was nice.

november:
-i fail my first road test at the beginning of the month , and just barely pass the second at the end of the month
-i create a new and improved signature for myself, inspired by the h on the cover of my hamlet copy
-CABARETMENT! i am very impressed by all my friends being amazing, and get crazy sentimental at the final verse of goodnight..
-senior dress-up day! our card costumes are pretty much the best, and everyones acts were hilarious. way more nudity than expected.
-hypnotist
-i start babysitting for the havilands... emily is angelic and we invent a recipe and play with her awful neighbors. contrary to how i felt by session 7 of commed, i actually do adore 8 year olds
-izzy kate eric and i discover that we are seniors and have access to a car and that we should start being less lame and go to sorrentos for lunch!

december:
-symphony and renee flemming with eric
-eric slowly gets me to appreciate his passion by bringing over various operas on saturdays, and creating a family opera night since my parents are into it too
-faneuil hall i spend essentially with izzy in urban outfitters... its fun, but rather short
-WINTER VACATION... jess' party- lots of sledding and that ridiculous game where izzy is hilarious and say anything and those fucking delicious blondies and ranting with katie and other cricksters about crick
-the last saturday of 2007 with eric...perfect.
-esther calls me on the 31st to tell me that my cousin's wife just had a baby... Max William Pinsky
-izzys new years partys... i get to see all my friends after a long vacation, and i fianllly have someone to kiss on new years
-(this is technically 2008 so it goes in parentheses but then i had a sleepover with nikkino and it was love)

HOORAY FOR 2007. I pretty much already put my summary of everything at the beginning of the entry but.... basically i love you all and i think that 2007 was a good year... low points obviosuly but so full of love and i just feel like 2007 was overall a success. i like who i am. obvisously im still not perfect and my relationships with everyone arent perfect but everythings just like...legit and dynamic and real and happening and...i dont know. life is so strange to categorize.

HAPPY 2008!!! fucking 08. 08pinskyh. we are going to fucking graduate. im not ready for that yet, im not rerady to leave all these amazing people that ive built up my relationships with for so long and... i just love everyone, and thankyou for a wonderful year, lets make 2008 even better. make new friends but keep the old, and all that.

College Esssayyyyha;keefugeqklug

2007-09-29T19:19:09Z

Okay I haven't written in here in a billion years, butttt I need help making my essay shorter (and better).

So here it is:

The Friendship Club

I’m not going to lie to you; I was a pretty fantastic first grader. My block-building skills were something to envy. A small, shy Isobel Brown noticed this as she watched me build from across the first grade classroom. After much hesitation, she found the courage to approach me and my craft. She introduced herself as Izzy, and on that fateful day, we became friends.

It wasn’t until later on that year, however, that we became best friends. One day, two très chic jeunes filles in our class decided to form a club. When Izzy and I naïvely asked to join, the girls would not let us. They said that the club was only for seven-year-olds, and Izzy and I were still only six. This rejection infuriated me, so I turned to Izzy and declared that she and I should make our own club. Izzy agreed, but she added, “Yeah…we’ll call it the Friendship Club! And everyone can join!” Izzy was a nobler, more altruistic child than I. But something drew me to her idea; I saw the logic, and I admired her thoughtfulness. I pronounced my agreement, and at that moment, the lifelong Friendship Club was formed.

I was quite a dramatic child throughout elementary school, whereas Izzy was rather shy. We played off each other nicely because I brought her out of her shell and she grounded me. As a middle child, I also had an unquenchable thirst for attention, and in seeking this attention, I once lied to all my classmates that I would be moving to Chicago the following year. When my mother found out about the lie, I was in deep gooey trouble. My mother made me feel terrible in a way that only a mother can, but what really stuck with me was Izzy’s reaction when she found out I had lied. She was very non-confrontational, but she gave a subtle air of disappointment that brought on my guilt more than anything else. I had exploited her affection for my own personal thrill. For years, the memory of how my selfishness had been nowhere near the loss of her trust stuck with me whenever I felt the urge to tell a pointless lie.

I made it up to her in the fifth grade. That year we had and assignment called Writing Group, requiring that we compose a piece of creative writing every other week. Izzy’s compositions were always the best in the class, so when our teacher told us about a local poetry contest, I told her to enter one of her poems. She was reluctant, but I was adamant, unwilling to let her deny her obvious talents. I convinced her to enter, and she won first place.

I was rarely jealous of Izzy for her talents because I had always felt equal to her. But in ninth grade, I felt that Izzy surpassed me because she discovered her unfairly gorgeous alto voice and to add insult to injury, was favored by our ninth grade English teacher. English had always been the subject at which we both excelled. And as if this wasn’t challenge enough to our friendship, we also had a crush on the same boy. Fortunately, Izzy and I have always been very analytical people. We analyze even the smallest of situations; we seem to be driven by an insatiable need to understand everything about people and the world. So, even in the midst of our turmoil, we talked about every situation and realized our own insecurities. We helped each other grow, and by seeing aspects of ourselves in each other, we helped each other understand and eventually deal with our inner and mutual problems. Our conversations are like a collective thought process, with the benefit of having two minds and two points of view to enrich our comprehension. Over the years, the analytical skills, personal insight and humanist values that developed in my friendship with Izzy have informed all of my relationships. I am the person our friends turn to for advice and guidance.

Izzy, as a high school student going off to college, is one of the most confident people I know. She is no longer afraid to take pride in her many talents. She’s come a long way from being the girl that was almost too scared to ask if she could play blocks with me. I like to think that this is at least partially because of my encouragement of her talents throughout the years. I, in turn, am no longer the self-centered child that lied to everyone for attention in the second grade. Instead of wasting my energies obsessing over my own insecurities, I use my mind to help my friends battle theirs. In doing so, my own insecurities tend to vanish because I feel like I have a purpose. Izzy and I have obviously matured since first grade, but our pasts are so intertwined that our growth has inevitably been profoundly influenced by the presence of one another. Someday, she’ll use the confidence she has in her talents to win the Nobel Prize in Literature, and I’ll be there for her as a humanist and a friend, with genuine excitement for my co-president of the Friendship Club.

Soooo yeah it needs to be AT LEAST 200 words shorter... anyone have any idea of something I could cut? And also any other comments/criticisms.... don't be afraid to give criticisms, I promise I will be very greatful and not offended no matter how harsh.

In other news, I am very stressed cause I'm doing a lot of Early Action applications and a few Rolling that I need to get in like really really soon.....ahhhhhhdkfjghdklfddfg. But Friday was completely lovely, Across teh Universe was wonderful, and tomorrow will be fun at least for a couple of hours cause there's a Downbeat rehearsal at lovely Kate's. And then I have to do like 2934829048239483 Euro readings.

Okaybye.

oh, how i'll feel like a beautiful child

2007-05-17T23:39:17Z

i havent written in soooooooo crazy long. well i guess like a monthish actually, but like.... ITALY happened. im not even going to try to explain the breathtaking beauty of that country and trip and experience.

i think im just writing because i felt it was wrong that i hadnt written since before italy, and i needed some sort of documentation of this particular point in my life/ this year, because i dont want the next time i write to be the next time i feel shitty and go to livejournal to be emo. so basically i came to document the fact that im actually genuinely happy.

"im happy" entries are probably a little boring tho if theyre not like about something epic. i dont know, im not like feeling profound or anything, which is what makes good entries, im just.... content. i dont know, its nice.

down side: kind of failing school. yeah i should probably like..start my homework...

oh well. i love everyone, and i want everyone else to be happy. cause its like, when you're sad, as much as you love everyone and want the best for them, you're kind of relieved when others are sad too cause then you can relate and you also dont feel like the freak. but when you're happy, you kind of feel useless and a little guilty.

i dont know, i just really want to see everyone happy. you're all wonderful people. lets all be happy and have super fun parties all summer and bond like crazy.

infinite<3

SUCKIN TOO HARD ON YOUR LOLLIPOP (sounds dirty, and is irrelevant, but ive been singing it all day)

2007-04-14T00:59:24Z

today was gorgeous, i love absolutely everyone, and WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING ITALY!!!

in short, life is just completely grand.

hmm whats happened recently... well ive failed to do like any homework ever. and i hung out with kate last weekend and that was beautiful as always. and today was lovely i went bowling (and to kmart to buy socks first) with molly and eric and then we went back to her house and i dressed up in a strange combination of mollys clothes. oh and the guy at the bowling alley wouldnt let us have bumpers!! we asked for them and he told us we were too old. dammit.

basically i just love my friends and im so excited to be in a gorgeous foreign country with my favorite people in the entire world.

and anything that might have happened at school during the past few weeks is compeltely irrelevant because i cant even remember any of it now. i think im gonna quit school and move to italy with all my friends. esther can come too.

monday monday

2007-04-03T01:45:57Z

so i have a theory:

IT IS ALWAYS MONDAY. always. every single day. i swear to god. like, we have all these memories of other days happenign, but they never actually happen. its like a groundhogs day thing except we dont realize it's happening cause it's liek this mass conspiracy of perpetual monday.

seriously, think about it. was it not JUST monday? because i came up with this theory last monday and then found myself once again in english class saying the exact same thing the next fucking day (or so it seemed anyway).

although i guess my theory might be a little disproved when i wake up tomorrow morning and its magically tueasday.... and i dotn care that u cant disprove something a little.

whatever, despite the intense mondayness of today, it wasnt too bad. i was just fucking EXHAUSTED all day, but like izzy mentioned, it was just physical and mental exhaustion not really emotional. and THEN i came home and took a THREE HOUR NAP and all was right with the world. and it's like 9:40 now and im so going to bed before ten tonight.

also, in jazz class, we were doing turning leaps, and the teacher took me aside and had me try them double time *beam* ... i always feel really lame when i feel good about stuff liek that in jazz cause im in like a really low level haha and im not actually like a dancer like all those awesome senior company ppl, but idk it still feels good to have like tiny bit of skill once in a while

hey check it out, i posted when i wasnt in a whiny mood. SUCCESS. (well except for the perpetual monday theory)

i love everyone. i also need to see more of everyone. anyone up for hanging out thursday and/or friday?

oh and its alos passover. which makes life suck quite a bit, but im not gonna think about that until i have to (aka next time i have a meal at hoem and it consists of nothign but fucking matzah)

send me on my way

2007-03-28T00:47:23Z

.smdvbfhkvbg.akfdgvkr... what the fuck. is it. with this YEAR? everyones dying. its fucking ridiculous.

my mom just came in and told me about my Uncle Tom, who is not technically my uncle, he's my cousins' uncle on the other side. but those cousins live really close and we see them all the time and Uncle Tom lives with them so we see him all the time too and ive known him and seen him since i was a baby and basically he's like an uncle even though there's no blood relation.

anyway, he has als. and it's like super aggressive i guess, and my mom just told me he's going into hospis care, like tomorrow, which pretty much means he's like lost the ability to like even be cared for in a home and has like less than 6 months to live. and i mean ive known he's been sick for a few months, and everyone's been saying the disease will kill him, but you always still assume itll be like the kind where you somehow magically get 20 years you know? or maybe thats just my crazy naivete.

i dont know, but when my mom told me i seemed okay i guess so she left, and then i kind of broke down, and now im just like...augh i dont even know.

and i just keep thinking about my Uncle Brian (his brother), who is like this quiet but silly hilarious amazing lovable weirdo who cares SO MUCH about his family and like..that's his fucking brother. hes losing a SIBLING. i cant even handle that.

its just like fucking INSANE like why does this HAPPEN. i mean i get it, people get sick and die, its like natural and neccessary and whatever, but its so fucking RANDOM and like STUPID and like lskduygsljkfgslajkgasfjsdf im making no sense and am not helping myself and...gah. theres nothing like the world reminding you that you actually have no power whatsoever over the universe's handling of the people you love to make you feel really fucking useless. (and selfish for being such a wreck and so indignant when you're not even the one dying or the closest person to the one dying).

chot_channah @ 2007-03-22T21:13:00

2007-03-23T01:28:05Z

i have no fucking idea whats going on in chem, im screwwweeedd for that test tomorrow, and i also still need to do my math homework....

im psyched for tomorrow cause it will be warm and nikki and i are wearing some pretty cool outfits that we created today at my house in honor of "you're the one that i want" cause we're that cool.

what is WRONG with me lately? i HATE warm weather. but suddenly, recently, ive been so psyched for it. ive been so weird lately. not even tho, i mean other than the randomly liking warm weather, outwardly ive still been same old super-procrastinatey super-lovey super-tired super-weird super-oblivious hannah. but ive felt different. i dont know, that sounded like crazy emo didnt it?

i think this year has just all seemed really..useless. which is strange cause junior year is like..junior fucking year. like sats and all that. and in theory prom but of course we're deprived. i think its just like one of those times where you're supposed to be figuring out your future so you have to like look big picture at yourself as a person and everything and then i end up doing that thing where i realize that im really just compeltely boring and dont really have any specific talents or motivation or...i dont even know. all that looking big picture just makes it all really small and repetitive and useless and makes u see there isnt really much of an all at all. astronomy's gonna totally fuck with my mind next year./

im sorry, im not really sure why im being weird, im not even in a bad mood at all, my spirits are totally all lifty from my nikki-filled afternoon, i was jut like thinking about things in procrastination mode i guess. i dont know, i think i just really need to hang out with people this weekend (in between midsummer rehearsalness). and stop being dumb and cryptic. and also sleep.

skdasfgslakdhglskdga

2007-03-19T07:29:43Z

its fucking 3:30 am, and i still have half my essay to write. and also the lit crit to add in. and also the works cited. and also intense editing. and also my soul. and also im screwed.

my brain has turned to POOPOO.

(and so, consequently, has my essay).

why do i do this to myself? next time, i will not procrastinate.

no seriously this time. i wont. ill be good. ill get it done ahead of time.

(exceptiwontcauseisuck)

i need COFFEE.

And they can float above the grass in circles if they tried, a latent power I know they hide.

2007-03-18T01:46:23Z

im not even going to try making this an acceptable "concert entry," izzy and lura and nora have already done spectacular jobs of letting u capture a glimmer of the amazingness of thursday night. basically..the shins...are amazing.... *desperately wishes she were eloquent*

but moving on to friday, id just like to clarify that i was not SKIPPING to avoid french or because of tiredness as everyone seemed to think, i was actually legitimately sick, and i actually would have rather gotten french over with and wornmybeautiful shins shirt and had a snowy friday with everyone, but instead i stayed home with ricola. that totally sounds liek im whining and asking for sympathy, but i honestly just wanted to clarify that i wasnt skipping.

i was supposed to go to new york this weekend, but we didnt go cause of the snow. what resulted was probably the least productive saturday possible. actually, i dont think ive ever had a productive saturday, but what added to the lack of productivity involved in this particular saturday was that i also missed drivers ed because my mom didnt wake me up to tell me we weren't going to new york, i didnt actually wake up at all until 2 pm, and i never left the house nor did anyone come to my house. i basically sat at the computer and watched tv/movies with esther and ate and ate and ate. did not even consider touching the poetry essay that is ACTUALLY due in two days this time. my sunday is going to be fuuuunnnn...

i wanted to hang out with nikki but she was sick and asleep, and then when i called kate to see if she wanted to do anything she was already having a queer as folk fest with izzy which is like their special thing or something even tho its not, then i was gonna hang out with molly but my mom was being psycho and refused to drive or let esther drive on icy roads. as;dljfha;sldjfhlkdj... i hate getting pissed off about classic teenage things like my mom wont let me go hang out with my frieeennddsss it makes me feel so typical and juvenile. and i also feel lame complaining about not being able to hang out with anyone. why am i being so obnoxious?

my lj entries are always really obnoxious, i apologize. its cause im not really one for blogging, so i only ever think to write when im really bord and really lonely. the result is whining. but luckily, if u notice, i dont write that often. so i hope no one thinks im usually this obnoxious on a daily basis.

i wish i had something insightful or epic or other than mundane to say.

well anyway, the shins are spectacular, and i dont know about you, but WE DO NOT FUCK AROUND.

happy st patricks day!

cough owww my throat.. more cough *die**snifflesniffle*

2007-03-09T17:40:44Z

ewww i feel rather shitty. i think the like ten sick people i hugged repeatedly somehow mysteriously transferred their disease to me. i probably cant go to the thing tonight, kate, but ill see how im feeling, and even then i dont wanna get everyone else sick...blah.

i also have my huge ass poetry paper due thursday (AND DO NOT REMIND ME THAT ITS ACTUALLY DUE NEXT MONDAY BECAUSE I HAVE A SHINS CONCERT THURSDAY AND WILL BE IN NEW YORK FOR A TOMBSTONE UNVEILING ALL NEXT WEEKEND SO IF I TELL MYSELF ITS DUE NEXT MONDAY ILL FAIL)

at least esthers coming home today. i can get her sick too. we can wallow in unhealthiness together.

reader before you condemn, pause

2007-02-26T04:34:19Z

It was a cynical babe
Lay in its mother's arms
Born two months too soon
After many alarms
Why is its mother sad
Weeping without a friend
Where is its father - say?
He tarries in Ostend.
It was a cynical babe. Reader before you condemn, pause,
It was a cynical babe. Not without cause.

-Stevie Smith

Stevie Smith is devouring my entire life with this fucking poetry paper. I'm not entirely sure why I posted that one, I was just looking at it and I didn't really like it especially at first, I was just kind of like "Oh Stevie Smith being ironic again by mixing adult and child roles, this time making a baby cynical....cool..." but then at the end that "Reader before you condemn, pause" and then it repeats that it's a cynical babe. It addresses you directly and FORCES you to pause and think about it and be disturbed and appalled at the fact that the babe is cynical, when before that it was just a strange metaphor.

It's not even that I really liek the metaphor or the rest of the poem that much or the idea of a cynical babe, I just thought that was really cool how she forces you to pause and notice and care. Because I did kind of care a little after I read it.

This was a pointless post, but you know when you see something or experience something cool and you just wanna DO something about it? This was me doing something about it.

Okay it wasn't really that cool, it's just that it's 11:30 and I'm still working ont he first body paragraph of this damn paper due tomorrow so I felt the need to procrastinate...

oh dollege!

2007-02-25T20:36:36Z

mmmm what an adventure!

id list the various inside jokes and events and such of the magnificent new york college visiting trip, but i think kate and nikki already covered that... I LOVE YOU GUYS AND MOLLY SO MUCH AND THAT TRIP WAS BEAUTIFUL.

but now im home and its 3:30 and i have yet to write my massive poetry paper.. or even come up with an actual thesis for it for that matter.

...i should probably get on that.

but its totally worth the fabulous week. (i bought shoes and a headband and a shirt and another shirty thing and a purse and life is good.)

i also worked out with MOLLYLOVE in the fitness center at the holiday inn two nights in a row. and we ACTUALLY HARDCORE WORKED OUT. i was so proud of us, my legs KILLED after all the treadmilling and elipticaling for a couple days tho. it was satisfying tho, and plus then we felt justified in our intense overeating.

....oh and we also visited colleges. i really liked syracuse. ithaca was pretty sweet too.

at the last breakfast of our sweet sweet trip we were trying to figure out our schedules for next year, and i realized im doing 3 APs, and thats on top of regular physics and trig which are gonna kill me. and im doing 3 history classes if u count peer mentoring in world history. i also dont have room for soc or gym, so im probably gonna do summer gym...

i also wanna get a job this summer. anyone know somewhere i could look or wanna look with me so i can work with a friend?

well anyway, my week was FANTASTIC, thanks for asking.

and i have a sister somewhere

2007-02-17T23:28:49Z

OH VACATION. you are most most welcome.

im chilly and my APUSH sweatshirt is dirty and my dad won't let me turn the heat up to 80 like i usually do. damn damn damn.

well im glad vaction is here anyway, but its sort of gotten off to a lonely/boring start. a lot of friends are away and its just me and my dad at home cause my sister and mom went off to visit my cousins in chicago. i didn't go with them cause i would have had to go right on my college trip the day after i got back, so i thought itd be too much. but now im kind of regretting it because it's not like im doing much at home anyway and i really wanna see my cousins... they're all younger (in chicago on my moms side anyway) but i adore being with them. and i dont see them as much anymore cause we stopped going to mexico in the winter, so now i only see them for like a week in the summer all year.

anyway this week was pretty nice. snow day, valentines day, a hilarious english project assignment (acting out the wife of bath's tale... hahaha should be fun, except i have to get up at like 7 to go film it), midsummer anthony lectures with nikki and kate and adrianna and nica, film club, yeah good stuff. i felt like i havent seen anyone in ages tho... which is ridiculous cause i just saw everyone freakin YESTERDAY.

im sosososo excited for the college visiting tip with nikki and kate and molly this vacation!!!! the only issue is that i get carsick and we're going in a minivan with seven people (kate's and molly's moms and kate's little sister are also coming), so that might be...uncomfortable. and its gonna be super weird going to long island and not visiting my great aunt and uncle. this is the first time ive been around there since they died. like when i picture long island, i picture their little cozy house filled with new york bagels and 30 different kaleidescopes and basement filled with the little furry toys that uncle leo sold and.. i dont know i just keep having to remind myself that that house is now empty and unoccupied and sold and a trip to long island no longer entails going there and seeing them. i dont know its just weird.

it also sucks that im not gonna be able to see esther even tho we'll be like relatively close to her. im not trying to be whiny because i totally understand that it doenst make sense for all of us to go visit her when its kind of out of the way and we dont have much time and im the only one interested in rochester. its just that its another reminder that i dont ever see her anymore. i probably wont even see her spring break because shes thinking about going with her boyfriend to the dominican republic. this is also my first vacation without her, cause she came home for the holidays, and i have no idea what to do with myself. every other school vacationive ever had in my entire life, there was always someone there to hang out with and go to far too many movies with and watch far too many dvds of the same show with and go to the mall and buy far too much clothes with and dance around the basement with in an attempt to get some excersize when we began to feel vacation fattening us. maybe thats why im kind of lonely already even tho its only been like a day.

im sorry, this entry was a lot more whiny and long and unneccessary than i intended. im actually not in a terrible mood, im about to eat ravioli with my lovely father and then head off to izzys for crazy fun. and, of course, its vacation.

happy vacation everyone!

let it SNOW

2007-02-14T22:30:50Z

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, MY PRETTIES!

I adore each and every one of you.

I have eaten nothing but loads of fudge and pizza all day long.

MMM, SNOW DAY SUCCESS.

sweet escape, sweet escape

2007-02-11T21:57:27Z

new icon! adorable, no? and near-to-valentines-day appropriate, of course.

im so sad that mattress is over. which is like...completely ridiculous, because i wasn't even in t he show or on an intewnsive crew, i just did hair and makeup so i was basically only involved for dress rehearsal and the show weekends. but the past two weekends have been pretty fucking epic, and i don't even know what i am going to do with myself this weekend. i love you all, you are all so incredibly gorgeous and talented, and the show was the fucking most ridiculously splendid hilarious masterpiece of amazingness EVER. crazy awesome job everyone.

well, now its sunday, oodles of procrastination, same old same old....

anthony english goes in this cycle of like three weeks of reasonable to little to no work followed by three weeks of INTENSE RIDICULOUS STRESS where she makes like ten papers/projects all due in the same week with like eight tests intersperced throughout and then not understand why we all get so bitter. next week, of course, is the first of these three stress weeks (although i guess its made a little better by that theres a vacation directly following it, but that also means the last sunday night of vacation will be fucking miserable). we have a paper due tomorrow, first draft of the massive poetry paper due friday with no extensions allowed, and a fucking canterbury tales test tuesday. she also indicated that we will be getting another paper assignment sometime this week for a paper on gawain and random short stories due after vacation. i really really reallly hate that woman sometimes.

im psyched for vday, which is kind of lame since its not even like i have a boy or a solid romantic interest. the one person i did kind of have a thing with isn't really....happening i guess. like i finally started enforcing my principles/ultimatums and he backed off and now we dont really interact much. but im not even like upset about it, like at all, which is weird, so i guess after everything its just sort of...nothing. which is kind of depressing, but since it doesnt actually depress me, it doesn't really matter.

anyway, my point is, im in love with valentines day. single people tend not to be, but i just cant help but adore a day devoted to love. who cares if its basically invented by hallmark? i just take the opportunity to express love to everyone around me, whether it's romantic or not. i swear to god, if i had the money, i would send a carnation/singing valentine to everyone i know.

midsummer nights dream cast list is posted tonight i think. apparently they're gonna let everyone in, like even the people who didn't get called back, as like random fairies? augh, thats so dumb, my audition sucked and i know i dont deserve to be in the show, so id rather just like WATCH it and help with hair and makeup again or something than be one of like fifty completely lame and unneccessary extras mulling about. sooo yeah i don't think im gonna do it... but kate i really hope you get hermia that would be amazing and you so so so deserve it cause you are like RIDICULOUSLY talented, and adrianna i know you will get an amazing part too because you got called back for leads and everyone (INCLUDING MRS. POTTER) said your audition/callback was amazing, and you ARE amazing. and nikki, you totally deserve that speaking/singing like lead fairy you got called back for, you glow on stage and your singing voice is like the prettiest thing in the world. so yeah, good luck everyone, i'll be checking the cast list tonight for your names!

in other news, MOLLYKATENIKKI I AM SO EXCITED FOR OUR NEW YORK COLLEGE VISIT TRIP LJKGILGILGYG!!!!!!!!!!!

you know what else im excited for?? APUSH FIFTIES UNIT. i love the fifties. it's like another twenties, except with like the birth of rock 'n roll instead of jazz. social focus, pwnable test, rebellious youth, rebellious conformity, ephemeral/flawed prosperity, fashion, music, postwar disillusionment, actually interesting readings, yesss....

i should do my stalker paper now.

is that seat taken...PROCRASTNATION.

2007-01-29T00:25:37Z

I WANT: this boy
I HAVE: way too much homework t be starting on sunday night
I WISH: for the second half of the school year to not be the hell it is bound to be with all the stress from SATs and shit..

I HATE: boy angst... and obnoxious girls... and obnoxious boys...basically, people that are mean. and also hormones.
I MISS: when it actually used to snow
I HEAR: la musique
I REGRET: things recently that im having issues with...wekuhwfoewefh
I LOVE: people... well, okay, not all people, but the people that i love.

I ALWAYS: procrastinate insanely
I AM: procrastinating insanely
I DANCE: at dance class on mondays... and also randomly when i feel like being weird
I SING: in chorus
I CRY: a lot at movies
I LOST: about 10 things of chapstick
I CONFUSE: the completely random obscure names in beowulf that we for some reason had to know for the test
I NEED TO LEARN: to actually do my history readings ever
I SHOULD: ..do my homework... and also stop being stupid in certain situations

FAVORITE
NUMBER: 11 and 13
COLOR: purple
MONTH: december and october
SONG: looottss
FOOD: indian
DRINK: pina colada
FRUIT: strawberries

WOULD YOU EVER
EAT A BUG? no. well maybe for like a million dollars.
BUNGEE JUMP? yes
HANG GLIDE? yes
PARACHUTE FROM A PLANE? yes
GO OUT TO EAT WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER? hmm depends
SING KARAOKE? maybe with friends if it was like jokingly... but probably not

Q: Name one person who is on your mind right now? a boy of course.. i hate being a teenager sometimes
Q: Where is the last place you went? grocery store
Q: Who is the last person on your missed calls list? my dad
Q: Who is the last person you called? niki
Q: Do you smile often? of course
Q: Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? that would be nice
Q: What is your middle name? rose
Q: Have you ever met anyone famous? umm well semi-famous i guess if broadway ppl count
Q: Are you a friendly person? yes, unless u piss me off
Q: Whose bed did you sleep in last night? my own
Q: Most recent films you watched? um...dont remember
Q: What were you doing at midnight last night? talking on the phone
Q: What was the last thing that you cooked? um. does toast count?
Q: Long or short hair on the opposite sex ? short
Q: Are you wearing any bracelets? no
Q: Current music? lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off - panic! at the disco

A FEW MORE:

Favorite band? ahhh um...there are lots

What do you smoke? nothing
Are you happy with your life right now? eh idk its complicated... mostly i guess, i mean things could be a lot worse, but there are definitely like issues..
Faked being sick to miss school? haha yeah
Do you like books? of course, although i probably dont read as much as i should
Do you want to get married? yes

oh the weekend. the anti-productive weekend. friday was marvelous with molly and kate (and izzy for a short while)... there was delicious pesto bread and insanely backdated preteen magazines with endlessly amusing quizzes. mollys house is just a wealth of wonder.

saturday was drivers ed (SHOOT ME IN THE FACE) but then i went to lunch with izzy and kate and we had clam chowder and that wasnt so horrible. but then later we went to the concert at dannys place, and people were obnoxious, and people were thoughtless, and so basically we just ended up at the end standing outside hating people and being irritated at everything. but we sang "the lion sleeps tonight" over and over and had a frustrated embrace to console ourselves.

then i came home and talked on the phone for like four hours cause im pathetic.

today i continued to do absolutely nothing productive.... well i practiced driving with my dad. i went to a parking lto to practice parking, and i ended up doing alright and then parking at donelan's when we got there. i didnt hit any other cars so thats good.. and i went 50 for the first time... yeahi kno most peopel already like have their license lol but im still like WOAH IM DRIVING, cause ive always been terrified of it... like ive had this recurring dream for as long as i can remember where im behind the wheel with no idea how to drive and i cant find the break and people i love are inthe ca and there are peopel around me and im just terrified im going to kill everyone and myself. which granted, is probably just a metaphor, but its still represented by driving.

im in a weird mood. do u ever remember that everyone has different lives? that sounds really dumb and obvious, but dont u ever realize obvious things and realize that theyre really strange? but i mean itd also be pretty strange if everyone had the same life i suppose... but it just seems lonely sometimes. to be the only one being you.

im making no sense. i should go do homework so i can waste my life making myself feel simultaneously giddy and like shit on the phone later.

calling you to see...

2007-01-25T01:38:38Z

so um..i may or may not have just...run over my mailbox...

BACKING UP IS HARD OKAY!

seriously, cause like, i have to learn on a fucking manual, but my mom let me drive the automatic for a little bit, so then when i got back in the manual and i tried to stop when i was backing up cause i realized i hadnt turned enough, i tried to break but i forgot about the whole...you know...clutch thing.....so it didnt really work out... and long story short, my mailbox is now snapped in half on the ground.

OOPS.

on the bright side, i got a new ring tone, and get this... its "calling you" by blue october, so when my phone rings it sings out "CAAAALLLING YOOOUUU...."

shut up, it is so cool. you should all call my cell now so i can appreciate it. u might have to let it ring for a while tho, as i sit there being far too easily amused.

but basically, in conclusion, i am never ever ever going to get my license if my parents continue to operate under the false assumption that i will ever have the capacity to even come anywhere remotely NEAR understanding how to drive a fucking manual.

(you know, i always wanna call them sticks instead of manuals, but since the word is always preceded by FUCKING when i use it, because i fucking hate them, im forced to call them manuals... cause i cant really say "fucking stick"....)

thankyou winter, for finally existing

2007-01-19T04:25:19Z

ITS SNOWING ITS SNOWING ITS SNOWING!!! *wishes i knew how to make font big*

soooo i have to pull an allnighter because im a horrible procrastinator, but im still somehow completely elated and at peace, because its snowing, and because i had a nice long phone conversation while dancing in the magic of said snow, and because, well, despite everything, life is pretty damn beautiful.

i care not about the run-oniness of that sentence. life is beautiful i tell you.

SNOW!!! *SWOON*

well you set my life a whirling

2007-01-17T22:52:04Z

things have been so completely strange lately.

i dont think ive had an appetite since sunday morning, what the fuck? and now that im getting super into boyness, my grades are pretty much doomed. ah well, such is the life of a swoony teenage girl...

i feel like theres a vacation or something coming up, which is totally ridiculous and infuriating, because febuary break is like over a month away and school is actually getting MORE intense with midyears and the stupid poetry paper going into full dive-in mode and the apush WWII unit closing in on a test monday and an english project due friday with the poem shit and apparently a chem test tuesday and the term ending in a couple weeks which means ill lose my free period to gym.....augh. but the thing is im totally not stressed. which, i know, sounds fabulous, but lets face it, STRESS IS MOTIVATING. but im all like emotionally stressed about boy things so i kind of forget to be stressed where it could actually make a difference, like with school, and so pretty much ive done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for the past two weeks.

and now im continuing to do nothing by writing in my nonexistent livejournal. hooray?

you're such a wonder that i think i'll stay in bed

2007-01-15T03:52:33Z

FUCK.

okayum....i feel really awful about myself right now... but at the same time... im actually really reeeeaaally happy....LKSJSHSUHSISSHSUISUI.

i should not have done that.

fuck.

sakjadasksdghasdusdusdkluhdusfdsud

I AM SO CONFUSED.

as the daylight sinks

2006-12-18T02:36:05Z

I just got a random burst of loneliness. I hate Sunday nights.

This weekend's been lovely though. Oh Christmastime... and yes I know I'm Jewish and only celebrate Hannuka, but I adore Christmas nonetheless.

Leah got me shoes for Hannuka. They're very cute, I'm psyched.

Friday, the dance was kind of lame, but getting ready with Izzy was fun. We had gloves and were cute and matchy, so it was worth it, even if the dance itself was rather mediocre. We harmonized with Avett songs in the car. And matched. I basically adore her and couldn't have asked for a more wonderful date to the dance. Then I went to Molly's with Kate and Nikki and we had lovely sleepover girltime fun.

Saturday, Nikki and I PLAYED DRESS-UPS AND ARTS AND CRAAAFFFTTSSSS!!!! We picked out our dresses for the masquerade and made beautiful masks. And then we watched phantom, it was nice, I pretty much love that girl. If I found a magical land in my closet, I'd totally take her there.

Today was Izzy's holiday party. Okay, the madrigals...... ARE SO FUCKING GORGEOUS. Duh. No but seriously. What the hell. I can't believe that's like...my friends. And I'm talkign about gorgeous voices and sounding, but of course, they also looked gorgeous in the beautiful renaissance dresses. Kate and Izzy made me swoon (red and green like Christmas!).

Yeah and throughout the weekend I've been texting someone a lot... unfortunately I have to pay for my own texts... so I basically have a huge cellphone bill to pay now. BUT, on the subject of cellphones, I have a feeling that I'm getting a new cellphone for Hannuka. BYE-BYE CRAPPY OBESE GHETTO PHONE!! *knocks on wood*

Is it immoral to flirt with someone who has a girlfriend? Eh...

Well anyway, to conclude this boring entry, I loved this weekend, I love December, I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

Oh and yeah, I have done zero homework. Nice work, Hannah. Nice work. Someone really needs to whack me in the head with Garraty.